OnanTheVulgarian's Blog

Whoroscopes
21st August 2009
By OnanTheVulgarian

Aries, March 21 - April 19

Trouble getting your dick in the hole and difficulty getting your mouth around balls this month could be a sign of Post Dramatic Sex Syndrome. You are too uptight about not being tight. Take a break from the stress of sexenomics and focus on your relationships. Midmonth, someone may be after your spot. Turn them around with your wisdom and let them sleep in your wet spot. A short trip near the end of September brings you closer to the truth. Throw out the box of files labeled “Stalker Notes.”

Taurus, April 20 - May 20

September is full finger thrust month and it's finger lickin' time. Getting a grip on more than just your Johnson is needed in order to grasp the brass cock ring this month. Be obedient in order to save the beating. Your hat gets tossed into the political arena midmonth, so expect a couple of bad hair days. Speak your mind and learn how to suck caucus and you might change some minds. Taurus is the great liberator the last week of September and you'll be hanging to the left. Check your date planner for conflicts on the 30th.

Gemini, May 21 - June 21

Grease up your hair, throw the nipple clamps on and break out the Vaseline — Gemini is gettin' some stick pussy this month. September is the month to get the stick off and hunker down like a tight end in the locker room. The stars are setting you up for success. Be aware of your surroundings on the 12th instead of surrounding those you should beware of. Be conscious of any health issues related to weight midmonth. A recent detachment brings belated gifts on the 22nd. Think re-gift and check your stash box.

Cancer, June 22 - July 22

Cum and get it, you porking pig! The orgy triangle has rung and you are as nasty as a peach orchard hog. Throw out sole meditation and start networking in September. A new life is just around the corner. Porno star, dorm captain or exit pole taker may be your thing! You have more on the balls hangin' than your competition mid-September, and superiors take note. Family affairs catch up to you around the 23rd, causing you to slam a fist or two. Pay respect and be on your way. No anal on the 29th.

Leo, July 23 - Aug. 22

Sadly, the boys of summer are headed for the showers and their bearded hotdogs have been caught on the fly by sneakier catchers. September could be difficult due to boredom. Idle hands are the whore-shop of the Leo. Keep your senses in tune with magic, art and puzzles. Getting one in a position to help mid-month may require a little fingering around the 13th. Spit on it and work it like Pamela Anderson in order to stay on top. September staggers out like a twink on Nyquil due to a fury of last-chance Texaco pool parties.

Virgo, Aug 23. - Sept. 22

Hose your Daddy? Saying uncle may be required in September due to having your tits in a ringer. Virgos are good with money but not with change. Reduced income doesn't mean reduced living, if you economize and recognize what it takes to get you off. Check the shorts of others for an unexpected wad. Creativity is high mid-September, allowing you to be in the company of higher ups. Be a true bottom and service their desires and rape the benefits. Don't open that gift from a secret admirer until September is over.

Libra, Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

This month you'll be asking, “does this fat chock in my fat ass make my fat ass look fat?” You were robbed of time for exercise in August and September is even busier. Organization and attention to schedules are a must in order to get back on track. September is the month of opportunities if you make time to accept them. You will enjoy great material gains the last two weeks of September through good communication skills. Body language and crotch aroma get you through the door and into his seat.

Scorpio, Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

It's time to give up your flamboyant slam-boy-end ways and take on a real man. That man is you. September is the month of self realization and exploration. Masturbation does not count unless you respect your hand. Confidence is high, allowing you to accomplish what others only wish they could. Even your nipples make a point. Midmonth legalities will have you staying close to home base and close to your elders. Joint ventures pay off on the 23rd. September ends with a party you won't soon forget. Face painting with jism.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Octoberfist is just around the corner. Bend over and accept your Brad-Worst. September may be time to throw out the Sauer-crowd and start with a new pair of leader-hoses. Follow the commands of the dominant one in order to survive this month's disorder. Living off the kinkiness of strangers has its benefits until the 17th. Midmonth's planetary alignment puts a wild hair up your ass that'll have you flinging poop out of your cage. Don't take any wooded bananas. Head for the hills the last weekend of this month.

Capricorn, Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

Save the wails! Your neighbor would appreciate it if you kept your screams of ecstasy to a low moan. Pleasure is afoot in September due a new filling of your void. Make sure you are squeaky clean and free of cooties. Midmonth is truth or dare time and you are ready for the challenge. Work, play and in-between time will be on equal levels due to perfect harmony. Send in your resume by the 25th or you'll kick yourself! You will find that the time in the gym saves you from a close physical call toward the end of the month.

Aquarius, Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

If it tastes like chicken it must be chicken. Young and hung is on your September men-u. Certain commitments you made in past months must be reconsidered in order to limit the risk of defaming your already questionable name. Flat tires, broken clocks and homework-eating dogs need to be kept at bay. Midmonth you take on the persona of those you admire, giving you the ability to tackle most obstacles. Returning to your old stomping grounds on the 23rd could backfire if you don't perform proper intelligence gathering.

Pisces, Feb. 19 - March 20

If he doesn't eat meat on Fridays tell him he's safe eating you, Pisces. Spread your flippers in September in order to be the catch of the day. Your red snapper is chomping at the bit and daddy has the tartar sauce whipped and ready. Religious differences may play a part in a partner/trick falling out. Just stick it back in and put it in neutral. Spirituality is private and so are you. Mid-September is full of deadlines that may even challenge you. Get some help and rest up. September ends with you smelling like a sweaty rose.